Alexithymia
by whisperingmist
Summary: "Being a girl does not mean Raito-chan can get away with hitting people. I would advise Raito-chan to be cautious when dealing with feminists such as myself, as I believe in equal rights for all." "You mean you would hit a girl." "Said girl hit me first. Rather forcefully, I might add." Death Note AU in which Yagami Light is a girl. Fem!LightXL
1. Chapter 1

**AN – Sorry about the deletion. Blame my crazy sister. Chapter 2 coming soon !**

_AN – First fanfic. Suggestions welcome because I only have the barest idea of where this is going. Unbeta'd. Betas also welcome. Anyone interested in how I came up with the basic premise of this story can check out my profile for rambles. _

_P.S -Am I using too much italics? (in the fic that is)_

* * *

**Disclaimer- Of course I don't own it.**

**WARNINGS **– **Fem!Light.** **Swearing and mature situations**. Mind fuckery (But you knew that didn't you? After all, it's Death Note) **Depressive thoughts**. Let me know if there are anything other triggers in the reviews.

* * *

Dull. Dreary. Uninteresting. Mind-numbing. Tedious. Monotonous. Unexciting.

_Boring._

Light Yagami let out a sigh.

Her English teacher droned on in his bland voice, his pronunciation laughably pathetic. Her eyes narrowed at him in a chilly glare, before turning her attention to her equally pathetic classmates all engrossed with their sheltered, shallow lives.

Light forced herself to think about the better aspects of life.

Her classroom's air conditioning had improved, though only marginally, making her grateful for her window seat.

She had received another scholarship from St. Brutus' Institute for the Academically Gifted. (She had rejected that one of course. Academically gifted? That sounded so _pompous._)

Sakura season would be coming soon. (The school would look beautiful.)

_Now_ who was being the shallow one?

She sighed again. She didn't know _what_ to think. Every thought in her mind was either condescending or self-loathing. She was aware that there was something fundamentally _wrong_ with her. Maybe from when she was born.

Maybe it started when she won her first prize at the age of three for a competition that was held for seven year olds. (She only got a chance to participate because she had kicked and screamed but… that was different. She had won it. Just like she knew she would.)

Maybe it was when she attained puberty. (She had thought she was dying.)

Maybe it had started when she felt nothing (_absolutelynothingohmygodnothing_) during her first kiss.

Or maybe when S-

She stopped that train of thought.

_Wrong_. The word echoed in her brain, bouncing off the mental walls she had built around herself to prevent her from completely breaking down.

Her thoughts were wrong. Her mind itself was something … diseased. All her thoughts centered on the world's negative facets when logic dictated that equals and opposites were ever-present.

Of course she acknowledged that while good things existed, they were far outweighed by the bad.

Such a nihilistic world view for someone so young. Seventeen. Seventeen years of living, breathing, existing in this rotten world had hardened her.

This world which celebrated males and shunned females for something as simple, as basic as _anatomy_.

This world where people defiled their own offspring, murdered their spouses for greed, killed innocent people for _fun_.

Depressing thoughts aside, she knew that there must be some sort of basic survival instinct embedded in all species that lets you overlook their flaws. After all, man was a social species. Isolation could kill humankind. So she was lacking something essential, primitive and important.

That made her inherently wrong. She was a scientist. A researcher above all else. She knew what happened to beings that overrode or lacked vital instincts, instincts such as the ability to survive in harmony with her kind.

They either formed a new, more powerful species (or sub-species) or they simply ceased to exist, weak genetics being eliminated by the order of natural selection.

Such was the way of life. And she had come to accept it, if not for the simple explanation that logic had never failed her. She was hardwired the wrong way and she would either perish or build a new world with better prospects for the future. That was the simple truth.

But.

She wasn't going to be some passive observer to her imminent demise. She would change the world or go out in flames so brilliant that if it couldn't bring down the whole world with it, it would at least make _some_ mark on history.

She _knew_ she was destined for great things.

Evolutionary concepts and world domination aside, there was something wrong with her _mentally_, where her biggest asset resided.

And that was unacceptable.

So she began researching mental illnesses and unsurprisingly there were a number of mind boggling illnesses each with symptoms so similar that if they were all true, she'd be suffering from at least a dozen disorders.

Currently she had self diagnosed herself with Narcissistic Personality Disorder along with a dash of depression. Of course being one of the top contenders for the To-Oh University, she was aware of just how stupid she was being, by self diagnosing potential psychopathic (serial killers were mostly psychopaths – was she going to be a serial killer?) disorders without consulting a psychologist.

Nevertheless, she was confident in her diagnosis.

Many geniuses of her caliber were afflicted with depression. It was natural, of course. It was extremely lonely at the top.

Being a girl didn't do much to help matters. Boys her age were intimidated by her intelligence; they just couldn't wrap their minds around the possibility that she could really be that smart.

If she sought out boys who didn't care that she was intelligent, then that was a different scenario altogether. Those types were only interested in getting into her pants.

Girls were even more horrible. Unable to understand or empathize with her situation, they resorted to the only thing they knew to do when confronted with something different- humiliate.

Light dealt with slur upon slur until middle school when she decided she'd had enough. All those people were inferior to her. Being humiliated by people inferior to her was, in short, _unacceptable._

So she confronted them head on, met each problem directly and emerged the victor in everyone of those situations.

Light Yagami always won.

But this _illness_, she would not allow depression to overtake her sanity and make her commit suicide in a dark room where no one would find her body.

That was so _clichéd._

So what was she to do then?

Seeking help was out of the question. (The perfect Light Yagami mentally unstable? How the world would laugh. One child mad, the other one-)

But she had to do _something. Anything at all._

As she absently stared out the window, she noticed….. a falling _book_ ?

"Yagami-chan. Would you kindly translate that passage for us? "

She sighed. This was going to be a _long_ day.

* * *

She stared at the notebook in disgust.

_Death Note? _What kind of amateur was writing these petty hoaxes?

She threw it down and began walking away.

Light glared at the innocuous notebook as if it had personally offended her.

Here was something that was testimonial to her failing mind- she had done something which she had no explanation for. She had picked up a notebook for _no _reason other than simple curiosity.

Curiosity about a notebook that killed people.

'Just calm down', she told herself, 'it's _not_ going to kill anyone.'

She placed it carefully under her pillow and went to have a much needed shower.

The shower did nothing to relax her troubled mind and she emerged from it more confused than before.

After getting dressed and purposely wasting time so as to avoid making a choice, she finally picked it up.

_The human whose name is written in this notebook shall die._

How childish.

Of course, the very idea of pranking was a very childish thing to do so it was unsurprising that the prank itself would be uninspired.

She could probably pull off a better prank in her sleep.

However, there was something _off _about the note.

She carefully read the remaining rules and came to several conclusions.

One, all the instructions were written in English (not to mention in impeccable grammar) That in itself was suspicious.

Not many people knew how to read English. Atleast in Japan that is. When you go to such lengths to create a notebook and fill it with such gothy, emo rules, why not make it in a language accessible to more people?

Second, the rules themselves. There were just too many and they were too complicated to be a simple prank. So much thought must've been given to invent the rules when the basic premise itself was juvenile. There was no correlation.

Third, there was something about the book that made you want to try it at least once. A strange sort of pull, if you will. Something almost …. _supernatural._

Inspite of herself, an impossible thought began forming in her mind. _What if?_

She shut her eyes, took a deep breath and asked herself a simple enough question_. If you could kill someone, who would it be?_

Before she could get sucked into the philosophical ramifications of that question, an answer sprang into her mind, instantaneous and with blinding clarity.

She stopped herself before the answer fully completed.

No. She would not go down that road. She would not make this personal. That way even the notebook _did_ work,(she mentally scoffed at the ridiculous thought) it wouldn't be so painfully obvious that it was her killing random people.

She turned her mind and thought hard. She needed someone to test the notebook with, someone truly vile and despicable and –

"… the criminal named Kurou Otoharada killed and wounded six people before taking eight pupils and members of staff hostage….."

She glanced up in surprise. She'd forgotten about the TV she'd switched on sometime earlier.

And just like that it hit her.

If she wrote this man's name down, she'd be saving eight people, including children!

There was not a single thought of doubt as the words were quickly scribbled in elegant kanji.

Light kept counting. 38… 39… 40.

She shifted her eyes eagerly to the TV but was disappointed. There was no sudden exclamation; there were no running hostages, no-

Wait a second.

"…. there appears to be some sort of confusion in the – oh what's this? The hostages have escaped! They are all safe! It appears that the kidnapper suddenly collapsed. The police have assured that they did not open fire. They're claiming… Oh… It appears that Kurou Otoharada died of a heart attack! It was truly a miraculous-"

The TV went blank.

The remote dropped from her shivering hands.

It _worked. _It actually worked.

The Death Note was real.

* * *

_Takuo Shibuimaru._

The name kept echoing in her mind. If it hadn't been for her, that man would be alive.

Two men would be alive. She had killed two men. Two _humans._

Two living, breathing people who probably had families.

Families which were probably mourning them right now, right _fucking _now, when she was being a coward and hiding under her bed covers.

She shook her head to clear away such vehement thoughts. She never swore, not even in her thoughts.

This incident must be affecting her worse than she thought.

_Incident? _It was murder! She had killed two people and had the audacity to refer to it as _incident!_

Just who did she think she was, prancing about the world killing people with a few strokes of her fingers? Just who did she think she was to pass her righteous freaking judgment?

She was just a bored seventeen year old teenager of above average intelligence with way too much time and more power than one human could possibly dream of. Anything more than that was wishful thinking.

She had killed people merely to alleviate her boredom, not out of any misplaced sense of justice and it was high time she accepted that.

_I am not a killer._

Of course she was! Who was she fooling anyways? A killer, by definition, meant a person, animal or thing that kills. Synonyms – murderer, destroyer, executioner, _slaughterer._

She wasn't creating a peaceful new world free from criminals-she was destroying it.

_Executioner. _

She liked the ring to that word. She preferred that term to the other less … savory labels. She passed righteous judgment on the people who committed heinous crimes.

Like that Takuo Shibuimaru.

He probably would have raped and murdered that girl if she hadn't intervened.

She was impartial. She was Justice. She was God.

She flinched as the 'g' word flashed through her mind again.

She had killed two people and already she was becoming some sort of megalomaniac with a God-complex? She had read enough manga and watched enough anime to know that those types never won.

_Power corrupts. Absolute power corrupts absolutely._

And the Death Note was definitely absolute power. Absolute power over the most important aspect of life- life itself.

That kind of power and with such a detached method of killing (after all, she never had to actually pierce her victims with her knife, feel the crunch of their bones or the soft gasp of their dying breath) this Death Note could have huge ramifications in her life.

She closed her eyes and took a deep breath.

Alright. She would kill criminals who escaped justice. That was all.

A sort of vigilante. A watch dog of Justice.

Though that sounded derogatory, she needed an ounce of humility to keep her in check.

This vigilante business was dangerous, however. She would probably (no, definitely) catch the attention of the police forces because they most likely would assume that she was taunting them about their inability to truly eradicate criminals from the world.

They would devote all their effort and power in catching her.

In that case, it would only be a matter of time before she was caught.

She would have to be careful. A single mistake, a slight overstep, a small oversight could cost her, her life.

She would just have to be perfect, then. Being perfect was something she could do, something she had been doing her whole life. She would need a method to this madness.

But if anyone could pull this off, Light was confident it would be her.

* * *

"Watari."

Watari dropped a stack of files in front of him.

"There are seven cases requesting your response as L and there are four other cases for your alias Eraldo Coil and two for Denueve. Amongst these, there's this one case that might hold your attention, it's the Boston str-"

A stirring of a teacup.

"The Kira case. What is the Kira case?"

Watari frowned faintly at the interruption but continued.

"Believed to be an international organization after criminals, they have caused an uproar in the law enforcement world. They are rumored to be capable of killing two or even more persons across the opposite ends of the world. Police org-"

A bite of a strawberry. "Why was I not informed of this?"

Watari frowned deeply now.

"The killings started barely a week ago and there have more than thirty cries for help from all over the world. I've been-"

Spindly fingers held the file precariously as dark eyes roved over it.

_Plop!_ A sugar cube was dropped into the cup of tea.

_Plop! Plop! Plop! Plop! Plop!_

"….. assassins with high caliber ….. "

"Watari. Start a conference with the ICPO."

Watari sighed. Honestly he didn't know why he even tried.

* * *

_End chapter note – Please do review. There may be grammatical and typographical errors. Feel free to point them out in your reviews. Taking time out of my crazy schedule is worth it to see the blinking message in my inbox. All constructive criticism accepted. Flames shall be used to warm hot chocolate. Cheers._


	2. Chapter 2

**_AN – Thanks to all who read, reviewed, followed and added this story to their favorites! I have great plans for this story! _**

**Review reply to treimaine – **Thanks for reviewing! I tried to reply the conventional way but you have blocked PMs. So this would have to do. The quote is by Lord John Dalberg-Acton who was an intellectual famous for his essays on politics.

**To all others – **_I've replied to all of you except the anons and all I'd like to say is I suck and you guys rock. Seriously. It's also __**unbeta'd**__ because this stupid college desktop does not have a spell check. That being said, I'm completely unhappy with this chapter and I tried many times to change its tone but this is what it is. Sorry again for the mediocre chapter._

* * *

Light _had_ in fact devised a method. A method which could not (at least she hoped not) be traced back to any one particular individual. A criminal for every hour of the Greenwich Mean Time. Let the people draw their own conclusions. That way it could mean there really was some divine power passing righteous judgment over the unworthy.

Of course, she was passing judgment over only whom _she_ considered unworthy and she was well aware of the shortcomings of that system. Probable dissention was suppressed due to the fear of an unknown killer lurking in their midst, needing only a name and a face to kill.

People were unaware of the fact she needed a name and a face to kill but it was only a simple matter of time and intelligence.

The dissention would grow, grow, grow and grow and one day it would break free of the confines of their minds and that day would be bloody, destructive and absolutely terrifying.

That day would be a _revolution._

Naturally, Light would die before she let such a thing happen. She could not let that happen. She would not terrorise the world. She would save this rotten world even if it meant she ha-

"Looks like you've been having fun. Hyuk, hyuk."

Her eyes grew wide._ An intruder! Male, from the sound of his voice. Oh my God what was she to do? How was she to escape? How had he gotten in? What about her mother? Oh, if only she knew his name! Weapon! She needed a weapon! Something sharp, something, anything…..._

Her eyes moved frantically over her table. Quickly grabbing the nearest pointy object she could find, she spun around jabbing the pen in front of her, only to meet with- _thin air?_

But how?

She had aimed it perfectly that if it was a male of average height it would pierce his throat but …..

She heard harsh laughter. "Hyuk, hyuk. You're a feisty one aren't you?"

Light lifted her head slowly to meet a pair of yellow bulbous eyes.

"Hello cutie. I'm Ryuk."

Light's last thought before screaming bloody murder was how the creature's name sounded awfully similar to the way it laughed.

* * *

"This is ridiculous. More than 100 people have dropped dead in just one week!"

"That's only counting the deaths we _know_. Who knows how many bodies are out there waiting to be discovered?"

"Why exactly would a killer target other criminals? I mean, isn't it a bit hypocritical?"

"And what basis do you have to form the assumption that it is, indeed, a killer that we are dealing with here?"

"You're not seriously suggesting that this _Kira _character is God's way of handing out divine punishment, are you?"

"Don't be ridiculous! I was merely -"

"It's the USA! It is always them! Poking their over large noses into -"

"How dare you -"

"ENOUGH! We are wasting time. Kira is killing criminals as we speak!"

"Good riddance, I say. Wasting taxes on useless resources, that lot is no loss to humanity."

"That kind of thinking is wrong! We are gaining nothing by fighting over who thinks what, I suggest we take matters into our own hands and bring in L."

"L?" "Eru?" "_Him?"_

Touta Matsuda, who was staring at the heated discussion that was taking place with all the air of one watching prime time television, sat up with interest.

"L? Chief Yagami! What's this L?"

Soichiro Yagami, the chief of the Japanese NPA, looked tired. "I forget that you are younger than the rest of us." He gave him a weary smile.

"L is… for the lack of a better word, a detective. He is so much more than that however. He is an organization in his own right. He is the supreme force of the law enforcement. He is among the best and the brightest. He has never failed to solve a single case he's taken. But he will only take cases that interest him and that is why he's a last resort."

"But how exactly are we going to contact him?"

Eyes swiveled toward a man wearing a long dark trench coat, striding purposefully toward them. He was carrying a laptop, which was currently displaying a white screen that had a large gothic looking 'L' on it.

The man spoke. "Gentlemen, L is already on the move."

Astonished faces stared up at the man who was now placing the laptop on a podium so that it was facing all of them.

"Chief! Who's that?"

"That, is the only man capable of contacting L- Watari," replied Mr. Yagami

Suddenly, a distorted voice sounded from the speakers.

"Greetings to the ICPO. I am L. I have ascertained that you require my assistance in this case. I have already begun working on this case. Rest assured that I will not stop until I have caught the perpetrator or perpetrators responsible for this crime and sentenced them to justice.

Kira is a special brand of vigilante murderer who thrives in the knowledge that he is carrying out divine punishment. That kind of individual is extremely dangerous to the society and must be caught before he does more damage.

In order to catch this killer I will require complete cooperation from the police forces of all member nations of the ICPO and, in particular, the NPA of Japan."

As all the faces around him proceeded to look baffled, the chief of the NPA decided to ask the million-dollar question.

"Pardon me, L, but…. why Japan?"

"I have reason to believe that Kira is either Japanese or someone who is currently residing in Japan."

"Japan?!"

"What? I was so sure it was USA!"

"He _already _has a lead?"

"In addition I have some information that I believe will be valuable in solving the case. Gentlemen, I will be in touch soon. Good day."

And with that, the world's greatest detective (or at least his voice) vanished.

* * *

"Liiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight? Are you okay?" It was her mother.

"Uh, nothing, mom. It was one of those scary chain videos," she replied with fake cheer.

Scary chain videos? God, she sounded pathetic to her own ears. She should really improve upon her spontaneous lying techniques.

Pushing that thought aside, she decided to focus on the immediate problem.

"Just what exactly are you?" she demanded of the fearsome creature. "And how did you even get in?"

The thing laughed its peculiar laugh that sounded like a hacking cough. She prayed to the lords above that her mom wouldn't hear.

"I'm the shinigami Ryuk. The owner of the notebook you possess."

* * *

"Sir, is it wise to be doing this? I mean, aren't we condemning Kira? So, is it really moral to be employing his own tactics against him?" asked Matsuda.

"Matsuda, the first lesson you'll be learning as a police officer is that _never_ question your superiors."

"I'm sorry, sir," Matsuda hung his head.

Soichiro smiled at the hapless police officer. "That being said let it be known that I also do not approve of L's antics in the slightest. However, he hasn't earned his name for nothing. Let's hope he ends this whole sordid affair before even more lives are lost."

Matsuda smiled in delight.

* * *

"Shinigami? As in Death God? Aren't those just a myth?" Light looked bewildered. Here was a creature that defied all logic. A God of Death. A real one. Light felt laughably pathetic at having assumed that she could be the only one with such a power. Such arrogance. She felt humbled by merely looking at the supernatural being.

She watched as it gave her another of its horrendous grins. _But damn if she would let her fear show on her face._

She gave it another cool, assessing look. "So when the book refers to Shinigami, it means… you?"

"Yeah. I wrote the rules, cutie."

"You? You wrote these rules?" Maybe she had underestimated the creature. It certainly seemed capable of intelligent thought.

"Yeah, I did." It grinned again. Trying again not to flinch, she asked it another question.

"If the notebook belongs to you, then why exactly did you drop it?"

"Because I was _bored._"

* * *

After listening to the Shinigami about how they killed humans to extend their own lifespans, Light felt faintly nauseous.

That human beings were like flies, to be swatted when convenient. That all it took to die was a few short strokes. That their only purpose of existence was to extend the lives of these worthless Shingami. From what Ryuk was saying, the whole lot of them were lazy and cruel. Exactly the type of people she despised. Too bad she couldn't kill Shinigami. Those worthless creatures would've been the first to go if she had the ability.

_The human who uses this note can neither go to Heaven nor Hell._

Light wondered why that thought bothered her more than anything else. It was probably because her mind worked in all the wrong ways that she was fixated on something so morbid.

"Are there any other things I should know about the Death Note?" Light inquired- after all knowledge was always power.

"Can't think of any right now, cutie." It bared its teeth again.

Her eyes narrowed. "Don't call me that."

Ryuk had to physically stop himself from nodding. He laughed. This girl was so _interesting._

* * *

Light lay on her bed, idly flipping through the channels pondering this latest development and how she could use it to her advantage, when something caught her attention.

"We interrupt this program to bring you a broadcast live from the ICPO."

She flipped through all the channels. All of them were televising the same thing - 'an emergency message from the ICPO.'

Huh. Maybe this would be interesting. An escaped terrorist or something.

Her hands were already reaching for the notebook when a sharply dressed man appeared on TV.

He cleared his throat. "I am Lind L. Taylor, otherwise known as the detective L."

L? She had never heard of any L.

"I'm here today to speak of the mass murderer otherwise known as Kira."

_Mass murderer? _She was cleansing the world! Just who did this guy think he was, waltzing around accusing her of murder!

"Kira is exactly the type of criminal all of us should be wary of. He proclaims justice with his actions, but he is also a murderer. In fact, he is the very same as all those people he so hypocritically kills. Kira, if you're watching this, be assured that I will hunt you down and sentence you to justice. You are nothing but _evil."_

Sentence _her?_ She would show this Lind L. Taylor just who exactly she was. Laughter bubbled from her mouth before she could stop herself as she frantically searched for a pen. Ryuk moved in closer grinning like a maniac. Just where was that damn pen?

"People of the world, Kira is nothing but a mass murderer with an uncanny ability to kill. Killers do not become Gods. They are unworthy of judging others and if they could look past their own hypocrisy, they would see it."

Light was halfway through writing this so-called detective's name when she stopped. What was the point of this useless announcement? To turn the people of the world against her? Was Kira making such a huge impact on the society already? Or was it something more sinister? The whole thing just seemed to... to provoke her?

Her eyes widened. _Of course it was! _She had merely decided to write his name to warn the police off but when she stopped to think about it, that was the most ridiculous thing she could've done at this point. By killing this man, she would give them an insight into her personality. And damn, if the police thought she was going to voluntarily give them clues about her personality, they had another thing coming.

Killing this detective was an unnecessary hassle. The world had 6 billion people in it and narrowing Kira down was going to be like finding a needle in the haystack. This L stood no chance. By killing him, she was acknowledging him as a potential threat... which he was not _worthy _of being.

And even he _did _become a threat too great to ignore, she could always write down his name in the Death Note. It was a win-win situation.

_This was the detective they assigned to catch her?_ Pathetic.

She closed her note and switched off the TV. If this was the state of the law enforcement, she was glad she got the Death Note. Such _morons._

* * *

"L? The ICPO's calling. Should I tell them you're -"

"No. Put them through."

The voice of the US delegate came through. "L? If I may be so rude as to ask, what exactly was the point of your ridiculous show on the Japanese National television?"

L was tempted to reply 'No you may not', but antagonizing the US was ill-advised. They could get downright nasty when they wanted to.

Sighing, he switched on his voice scrambler.

"Mr. Richard Bryant. There's a method to this madness. As of now, the results are inconclusive-"

_God, how he hated Kira._

"_-_but I have a strong suspicion that Kira is indeed in Japan."

He could feel the man's glare even through the phone.

"Correct me if I'm wrong, but wasn't this the same suspicion you had earlier? Are we to act on your mere suspicions, L?"

His eyes narrowed. He did not like people questioning his assumptions. He cursed Kira in his mind again.

"I hope you will refrain from speaking that way, Mr. Bryant, as the number of cases that have been solved by my mere suspicions far exceed the number of cases you will see in your entire lifetime."

"Of course, I meant no offense, L, just that -"

He felt a vindictive satisfaction at the man's hasty apologies. Good. Served him right for questioning _L. _

Sufficiently pleased with disconcerting the poor man, L cut him off mid sentence. "The issue you seem to be having is that you find my 'ridiculous show', as you so eloquently put it, useless. I assure you that, it is not so.

I have gained much valuable information about Kira, which will be useful for forming a psychological profile about their character. Kira is an extremely cautious individual wh-"

There was much sputtering on the other side. L frowned. This was why he hated dealing with people. They interrupted his thought process. Whoever said that man was a social animal should be shot. Preferably with Watari's sniper. Suppressing a sigh, he made his best attempt at concern- "What _now_?_" _– which was admittedly, not much.

"You mean that Kira is an _individual_? A si-" L cut him off again.

"I do believe that's what I said. As I was sayi-"

"But that means he's a single _man!_ A single person! Just imagine the consequences L! A single person in possession of such truly monstrous powers! It is unimaginable."

L was fast moving from mildly annoyed to I-want-to-kill-this-guy-right-now-Justice-be-damned territory.

"Mr. Bryant. Please do not interrupt while I'm talking." The silence on the other end was wonderful. Mollified, L continued, "Kira is most likely an individual and I will be sending my full psychological profile of Kira as soon as I finish compiling it. Is that all?"

"Yes, thank you L." The man sounded pleased. Good. That meant he was less likely to disturb him during the next twenty minutes where a delicious looking peach tart was demanding his attention.

"Good day." L switched off the voice scrambler and gave the peach tart a look that villains reserved for fair maidens.

* * *

"Why didn't you kill that man?"

Light jumped, her heart in her throat. She'd completely forgotten about the presence of the Shinigami. She frowned to herself. It was so unlike her to be unaware of her surroundings. Was she that caught up in this L business?

She turned slowly toward the Shinigami. "Because he isn't a criminal." Those were not the words she had wanted to say, nor had they ever crossed her mind, though they _should_ have. Goddamnit, they _should _have!

_So why hadn't they?_

Ryuk was laughing. "So why did you start writing his name, then?"

Light stared at the notebook where she had scribbled almost half the name of Lind L. Taylor. Just what exactly was happening to her? Why had she almost lost control of herself like that? She was being sucked in, slowly but steadily into a downward spiral of her own pride and arrogance. She knew she was falling hard and fast but she hoped she could clear her mind in time, like today, even if it was for the completely wrong reason, even if she would definitely kill the detective if her _own _life was on the line.

She did not want to give up the notebook. Not now, when she truly believed her existence made a difference. She had believed her tenuous grip on her sanity would strengthen by making a difference in the world, but she found that she was feeling something entirely different.

She had probably lost every little thread of her sanity the day she picked up the Death Note, but she had gained something far _far _greater. A purpose. A reason for existence. A passion.

She felt more alive than she had in years.

After all, someone had to do it. So why not she?

_(All humans go into Mu, once they die. And once dead, they can never come back.)_

Because she would not want to live in a world where criminals went unpunished, where saint and sinner went to the same place after death.

_(The human who uses this note can neither go to Heaven nor Hell.)_

She would do it. She would damn herself for the sake of this world.

(She would damn herself for that adrenaline rush she had felt when Lind L. Taylor had called her evil, when she had almost ended his life then; when Ryuk appeared out of the blue, talking about apples and death and boredom. She would damn herself because everything was _finally _not boring, the stagnancy of her life was finally ending, because she finally _felt _something.)

_After all, the ends justified the means._

* * *

**_AN - I promised I'd update between 2__nd__ to 5__th__ of October to one of the reviewers and I failed miserably. I broke my friend's laptop, lost all access to computers and wrote this between classes in my college notebook. I never expected that it would take more than a month between two chapters. Third chapter already in the works, I'll try my best to finish it ASAP. Also, my posting schedule will be irregular until February, after which I will have a lot more free time. Thank you for your patience! Let me know your thoughts on this chapter._**


	3. Chapter 3

_I would love to thank all the lovely people who reviewed, alerted or favved this story. Thank you guys!_

_Light's views on nursing do not reflect my views on them. I mean no offense._

* * *

_**DISCLAIMER – **_Don't own. Don't sue.

_**December 9, 2003 - 7:45 pm, Japan Standard Time**_

Light often wondered about L. After hearing about the stunt he'd pulled with the Lind L. Taylor thing, she deduced he must be very interesting. He was nothing if not persistent. It was a trait she admired and despised at the same time. It was a trait that indicated he was a judicious detective, but it didn't bode well for Light's plans at the moment. (He was one person, Light was sure of that. The gender she wasn't sure of, but she decided to go with male for now.)

Yes, this L was a serious threat to Kira. She couldn't live in fear of being caught. She wanted to move on to bigger and better things and killing criminals was only one step of the process. If she truly wanted a peaceful new world, absence of crime alone was no way to go. Just like peace did not mean the absence of war, absence of crime didn't equal happy people.

Kira was an unknown quantity, that inspired both awe and fear in people. She had to keep the fear down to a minimum, as people had a tendency do incredibly stupid things when they were cornered.

Of course, she'd a long way to go before she achieved any of this, but it would be a lot more convenient if L stopped interfering in her business.

She finished up on her homework, half listening to the newscaster blabber about unimportant nothings. When she caught the word, _Kira _however, she looked up.

"This is a special broadcast made by the detective L. This broadcast is being made nationwide."

Her attention focused completely on the television, her heart thumping rapidly. It was like Lind L. Taylor all over again. The fact that she didn't kill him left her glad, now that the world knew that the whole, _I'm L_ business had been fake.

A large Gothic-looking L appeared on the screen and she jumped as an electronically synthesized voice sounded from the TV.

"This is L. The _real _L, so to speak." Her eyes narrowed.

"This is a personal message to Kira. I am stopping every news station, every newspaper and every form of medium that pertains to the depiction of violent crimes from publishing the names and faces of criminals together. I know you require both a name and face to kill. If you really _are _God," the skepticism was evident even in the electronic voice, "you will not need a name or a face, won't you, _Kira_?"

Her head spun. Censorship? Media censorship? All over the world? She had expected this, _prepared _for it in fact, but to see it actually come to pass ... just ... who exactly was this L? Nobody would agree to censorship, the world was not a monarchy! The public had a right to free press, without any censorship. For L to so casually dismiss age old laws like they were child's play... she began to feel worried. Just who exactly was she dealing with here? The law enforcement of the entire world versus her? The odds were definitely not in her favor.

Still, that didn't matter, she needed to stop panicking and clear her head _right now._ What were the ramifications of this rule? Just how exactly was she going to get around this?

Her mind flashed by numerous theories, discarding or modifying them as the situation demanded. And as realization hit, she could not help but laugh.

Censoring the media was a risky, controversial move. L would definitely face backlash from the public as his actions could be perceived as protecting the criminals. However, Light knew otherwise. L was only cutting Kira off from the media because there were no clues, no evidence. In other words, _t__here were no leads_.

L was getting desperate.

And desperate people had a tendency to commit grave oversights. Good. From the looks of things, she needed all the help she could get.

Light's laugh sounded uncontrollably mad even to her own ears but she couldn't stop. She hadn't had this much fun, since _ever._

The feeling of being cornered as she faced an impossible situation, the mental workout her brain was getting, the _rush _of finding the solution- she had never felt this way before. She had never been challenged before.

L had declared to the masses that Kira was a false God. The sheer audacity. He would pay for this.

Light relished every single moment of it. She had taken the mantle of Kira to help the public. Never had she expected it to become a battle of wits.

It didn't help that she was an utterly sore loser. She _would _win.

The fact that she had driven L to a corner itself counted as a victory but her real victory came a few days later, cementing her belief that she was doing the right thing.

* * *

_**December 11, 2003 - 5:30 pm, Japan Standard Time**_

It had been two days since L's announcement of censorship in the media. His decision had been welcomed, condemned, criticized and generally nitpicked from every angle.

Light was using the 100 or so odd criminal names she had filed away for this exact purpose.

She, however, had hit the proverbial gold mine while browsing (actually she was doing a vanity search) the Internet. A website called 'Kira's Kingdom' had cropped up. This was a website that consisted of people who declared their open support for Kira and contempt for L.

Her mouth stretched into a grin. This was brilliant. This was too good, in fact.

Ryuk who had noted the maniacal grin, flew in closer. All he saw was a screen with various slogans like, 'Kira is our savior' or 'Lord Kira please judge so and so', stuff like that. He could not see anything particularly interesting but he supposed Light liked having her ego stroked.

Light, having noticed his presence turned toward him with a wild, animalistic grin on her face. And even though she looked happier than he had ever seen her, Ryuk felt that the smile made her look somehow _subhuman. _Light would have called it as being _more _than human or being a God, so he didn't voice his opinions out loud.

Instead he chose to ask her the obvious. "What's so great about a bunch of Kira-groupies?"

Light laughed then and he _stared _at her as he had never before. The sound was simultaneously melodious and bone-chilling.

"Don't you understand, Ryuk? These people, they are calling me a God! They think what I'm doing is right and that L is wrong! I don't care what petty obstacles L throws my way, the people think I'm right. That's more than enough for me. Not only that, here are a number of disillusioned layers, law enforcement officers, people who were directly affected by some crime who are more than willing to share their information with me. Looks like I don't need the media after all, Ryuk." She gave him a lopsided grin.

Light didn't know if the Shinigami understood what she meant or not, but it felt good to say it out loud. It felt like Ryuk was the only person who had even an inkling of who the real her was.

And this website, this was an absolute Godsend, ironic though that statement was. The sheer number of people she had saved overwhelmed her. She needed to figure out a way to use these people.

'Not that they'd be all that opposed to it', she thought wryly, looking at some of the more _eager _posts.

Manipulating people who wished to be manipulated was technically not wrong. These people were more than willing to lay down their lives for Kira. Of course, she didn't quite require their lives, even though she would not be wrong to demand them of it, for she was the one who who had extended their lives, had she not?

But there was no need to rush.

She would find a way to turn this against that L.

* * *

_**December 17, 2003 – 7:30 pm, Japan Standard Time**_

Light finished writing her last name of the day with a flourish. Ryuk, who had been anxiously hovering behind her the entire time, (Light did not like to be disturbed in Kira-mode, Ryuk had learnt that the hard way) flew over to her hopefully.

She narrowed her eyes at him and picked up an apple from the fruit bowl on her desk – a permanent fixture since Ryuk's arrival – and tossed it at him. Like a well-trained dog, Ryuk caught it with his mouth and gobbled it whole, core and all. Light watched him with the now familiar feeling of amusement and disgust.

"Light, I'm bored." She almost froze at those words (the words which reminded her of a swinging scythe over her neck, the words which reminded her that Ryuk was no adorable puppy, he was a _Death God_) and then berated herself for almost betraying her emotions.

Carefully composing her features so that it showed nothing but cool indifference, (not that the dumb Shinigami would be able to tell) she turned around to face the Shinigami.

"Bored." The word was inflection-less in her smooth soprano. The Shinigami however did not appear to have noted her displeasure. He plowed on determinedly. "Yep. You just sit here and study. Or write names on the Death Note. Or laugh like that woman with the fur coat."

Cruella De Ville. Ryuk was comparing her to a Disney villain, a hilariously bad one at that. Fighting down laughter at the absolute absurdity she managed to give him an icy glare.

"No need to look at me like that. I'm only telling it as it is. The apples are great and the tellywhatsit is cool-"

"Television, Ryuk."

"- but you frankly are boring."

Light stopped herself from biting the inside of her cheek. She would give no reaction. She could handle one lousy Shinigami with no brains.

"I'm a high school student posing as a vigilante murderer with my impending college entrance tests. I have enough going on at the moment without you adding to my burden too. Go do something else, Ryuk."

"Bu-"

"2 apples."

"That's hardly fair!"

Light smirked at his mutinous expression. "It's about time you learnt that life isn't fair. Take me, for example. I got the Death Note, but now I've got to deal with you too."

"Is that an insult?"

"Absolutely not."

"You're smiling. It is!"

"I wasn't aware of the fact that whatever I said with a smile is an insult."

Ryuk was silent for a moment. "You're being sarcastic!" He looked absurdly proud of himself for figuring it out. Light snorted and tossed him another apple. "About time you figured it out."

Ryuk looked momentarily placated by the apple. Light was just pondering how on earth he digested the stuff when-

"Light? Can you help me with something?" Sayu's voice sounded through the door, followed by a series of sharp knocks.

Light sighed, placed her Death Note in the false bottom of her drawer (especially created with nosy and pesky sisters in mind) and stood up to open the door.

Sayu grinned brightly at her. "Can I come in? I need some advice." Light hid her frown. Advice? Outwardly, she gave Sayu a polite grin and ushered her inside.

Shutting the door gently, she turned to face her sister who was seated primly on her bed. "So, what's up?" she asked Sayu. "What's this about advice?"

Sayu gave her a nervous grin. " It's just this ... boy ... " Light looked up in surprise. Boy? Wasn't Sayu too young to be talking about boys? This was ... unsettling to say in the least.

The next half hour consisted of Sayu going on and on about this apparently extremely good-looking older boy and how he seemed to be so kind, charming, perfect and whatnot. When Sayu went off on a tangent about his extremely wonderful voice, Light decided she'd had enough.

"Sayu, if you like this guy, I mean .. do you actually like this guy? What's there to like? Don't you think he might be just using you?"

Sayu's eyes widened and filled with tears. Light cursed herself inwardly for allowing her cynicism to show through. She'd only wanted to keep Sayu safe.

She was hardly the person to come to for romantic advice. In all of her 17 years of life, she had dated only one boy and kissed only that one.

"Of course, I'm not sure about anything, so don't-" But she was interrupted by the door bell. Sayu's face instantly brightened. "Dad!"

By the time Light had opened her mouth to say something, Sayu had already disappeared.

Light scowled. Good God. There was nothing to be excited about. Her father had probably remembered he couldn't survive on cheap hotel food alone and had decided to come home. Or Kitamura-san had kicked him out, reminding him he had a family. Either way, she didn't care. The only unwanted change in her schedule due to her father's sudden appearance was the dreaded family dinner where she was forced to be in close proximity with her father for at least an hour.

Light didn't have the normal father-daughter relationship that most girls had with their dads. Of course, it hadn't always been like that. There was a time when Light had been her Daddy's girl. The reason for her resentment towards her father (and his frustration towards her) stemmed from a simple issue.

Light grew up listening to tales of bravery and adventure where her father was an epic hero, saving innocent lives everyday. Obviously, that wasn't her Dad's problem.

His problem was, that unlike other little girls who idolized their Dads and wanted to _marry_ heroic guys like that, Light wanted to _be_ the hero. She wanted to join the law enforcement, become a police officer and continue her father's legacy by shooting the bad guys.

Only Japan was a highly patriarchal society.

Of the 29,000 or so officers who worked in the NPA, only 2,000 or so were women. Or 7% as her father so liked to point out.

Their arguments had gotten increasingly out of hand in Light's junior year and had exploded in epic proportions when her father suggest she 'drop her fanciful imaginations and take up a respectful profession'. He then proceeded to suggest she become a nurse. That had been the last straw.

She would not stoop to clean bedpans.

Just what was the point of her brilliance if she never used it to help people?

"That scowl is so unbecoming on you, Light." Light looked up, surprised. Her mother was looking at her with a concerned frown on her face. Light immediately felt bad. Her mother was an innocent caught between her and her father's war.

Light knew that the time her father spent with the family was progressively declining. She also knew her mother constantly fretted over this fact. She didn't want to add to her mother's burden. She gave her mother her best attempt at a smile, but from the look on her mother's face, she hadn't been convincing enough.

She cursed herself at being so transparent regarding this issue with her father. She quickly went down the stairs and reached the hallway where her father was being accosted by an excited Sayu. On hearing her come in, her father looked up and gave her a wan smile to which she gave him a blank look. She may be willing to pity her mother, but she would never forgive this man.

Her father looked pained at the cold look she gave him, but quickly managed to recover. He smiled at Sayu who was chattering excitedly about school and classes and how much they'd missed him.

"Dinner is ready."

Her mother had entered while she was preoccupied with glaring at her father. Judging by the curt way her mother delivered the above proclamation, she'd managed to catch wind of the tension hanging in the air.

Light struggled to keep her face blank. She didn't want another argument. She turned on her analytical mind, assessing her father with a shrewd eye.

He looked thinner than usual, she noted. Perhaps he was working a new case. She frowned. She'd been following crimes rather closely for the past few days, (she smiled inwardly at the irony of the thought) but as far as she knew there as no case high profile enough to warrant her father's attention. Maybe it was the annual clean up, she mused quietly as her father walked by her and sat at the table. She sat at her table, going through the motions on auto pilot, lost in her thoughts.

She heard bits and snatches of the conversation going on at the opposite end of the table.

"- so thin, dear, I wonder if-"

"- new case, nothing big, nothing to worry-"

"- Dad, this channel-"

"-atch TV, eat yo-"

The voices blurred in her head as one.

"-you think about Kira?"

"-despicable business-"

"-evil, vile, murdering-"

"-interrupt this broadcast to bring you a special announcement-"

Light looked up so fast, she almost gave herself whiplash. L, it must be that L. What was it _now_? Couldn't that man give her a minute of peace? Was eating dinner peacefully too much to ask for? She almost laughed when she realized what she was thinking.

"This is L. This is to inform the general public _and _Kira-"

Here she was asking for a reprieve, when she was nothing more than a mass murderer in the eyes of the police. Why _would _they give her anything she wanted? She'd signed up for this. It was probably their intention to scare the living daylights out of her.

"- pertinent information regarding the case."

They probably wanted her so cornered, she'd do something stupid on her own. _And it was working, _she realized slowly as she fought the insane urge to laugh. She was surprised that the realization she was slowly losing her mind did not surprise her at all. Maybe, she thought, she had been insane for quite a while and the Death Note was one of her more fantastical delusions.

"It may be called as a major breakthrough, but this information has been privy to the Interpol and me, since the very beginning."

She quickly dispelled her thoughts and cleared her mind, she needed to be at the top of her game. She needed to face whatever L threw at her. She needed to-

"Kira is in Japan."

She needed to _kill _something. She needed to fucking _murder_ something.

_How? How? How? She'd been so careful, so careful, how had he known? She didn't make any mistakes, she was sure of it, she was so sure, she was Light Yagami, she didn't MAKE mistakes, she was God, she couldn't have made any mistake-_

"The very first killing was in _Japan_."

She was stupid. So stupid. What was she playing at? She was no God. She was an arrogant seventeen year old-

Ryuk's laughter was like cold water poured over her head. She realized she was gripping her chopsticks so tightly her knuckles had blanched. She took deep breaths to calm herself down. She would not, she could not lose it in front of her family-

She saw her father's hands clenched as tightly as her own was and realization hit like a ton of bricks, no this was not good, she couldn't stay here, she would break down, she needed to go to her room-

She stood up abruptly, her chair scraping against the floor noisily. Her family looked up in surprise. She bowed her head in apology. "Thank you for the meal. I'm not feeling well. Can I please be excused?"

Her mother nodded, still looking surprised.

She gave them another bow and walked as fast as it was humanly possible without running to her room. She shut her door quietly and then fell on her bed feeling numb. The desperation she'd felt when she was downstairs had vanished, only to be replaced with a foreign, cold sensation. It was not necessarily a comfortable feeling but anything was better than the mindless panic she'd felt earlier.

She decided to evaluate what facts she knew.

Before she could begin her analysis however, Ryuk interrupted her. "So Light, what're you gonna do about this?" He looked extremely tickled about the announcement L had made, which only served to incense Light further. She gave him a chilly look. "I'm thinking. Now leave me alone."

Ryuk gave another one of his irritating laughs, but settled down quietly in the corner, nevertheless.

So the facts. Fact one- L knew where she was. Fact two- she, however, knew nothing about L. Fact three- if he could narrow down Japan, he could probably come close to figuring out the truth- though proving it was going to be a challenge. Fact four- she'd probably need to kill L at some point if she wanted to survive.

L was not to be underestimated. He was too dangerous to let him be. She needed to figure out who he was, fast. And to do that, she somehow needed to get closer to the investigation. The investigation her father was probably conducting.

She shut her eyes and sighed.

She was up against her father.

Too tired to think of the implications of that statement, she decided to sleep, when it suddenly hit her.

Her eyes shot open as thoughts flooded her brain too fast to be clearly processed, but she was getting a general picture. A smile slowly lit up her face and she realized the amount she was smiling had practically tripled after she received the Death Note.

"Ryuk? Weren't you saying that things were getting boring around here? Well, don't worry. They're about to get very interesting."

Ryuk looked at the now laughing Light in complete delight. Finally!

* * *

**_December 15, 2003 - Unknown Location_  
**

L was frustrated out of his wits.

"Watari, please bring me a plate of eclairs."

Sugar might help his sour mood, but for once in his life, he doubted the ability of sugar to help him cope. Kira was really trying his patience.

He dropped no hints, (L decided to assume Kira was male, just for convenience's sake due to the endless mental ranting he was prone to these days, all thanks Kira, _damn him_-) he left behind no evidence.

It just made no _sense_. According to Locard's exchange principle, any two objects that came into contact with each other left traces of each other on the other object. There was however, no trace of this _Kira_, anywhere on or near the crime scenes. All of the autopsy reports indicated that the victims died of cardiac arrest. Nothing about _any _of it made any sense.

Kira could kill people on the opposite ends of the globe within the span of an hour. An hour could be reasonably explained away if the killings took place in London one hour and Paris the next, but when one killing took place in Shanghai at 1 pm and Reykjavik at 2, L really didn't know what to think.

He did know one thing, however. Solving this case would be the pinnacle of his career. Some damn teenage upstart just-

L's sugar tower crumbled. L frowned at it and weighed the pros and cons of building another one. In the end, he just decided to eat them all. This case was really going to kill him even if Kira himself could not- either through a sugar overdose or a myocardial infarction due to high blood pressure. He smirked. How ironic.

He still couldn't prove to the world at large that it was merely someone human, for what God would take interest in the petty affairs of humans? He still didn't understand why the Lind L. Taylor gambit hadn't worked.

It only meant one of three things. Either Kira was the Lawful Evil type who genuinely believed he was doing good for mankind. In that case, he probably wouldn't want to kill bystanders or the law enforcement. If he thought he was going to change the world by being a murderer, well good luck on that thought process.

If he was indeed the Lawful Evil type, he just had to back him into a corner until he broke. That could be arranged quite easily. He was very much sure that Kira was in Japan, he only needed to announce it to the wold to make Kira question his moves. That coupled with the censorship of media was bound to pressurize him into doing something drastic.

Or he _couldn't _kill anyone other than criminals. Now that was an interesting possibility. A maniacal psychopath who could kill _only _criminals. Interesting though it was, his instincts seemed to tell him that this was not Kira. He decided to keep this aside for the time being. He could not possibly ask an innocent person to sacrifice their life for the sake of his curiosity.

There existed a third possibility, one he dared not hope. That Kira was actually intelligent enough to see through his machinations. That there was someone worthy enough of his time.

L was not like Kira. He did not delude himself into believing he was doing good, when he was merely occupied with alleviating his boredom. He could only hope Kira was crafty enough to give him a challenge.

If he was, well, good for L.

"Watari, can you please collect the list of all people with the highest IQ in Japan? Also, get me a list of all top scoring students in university and high school."

L was not known as the greatest detective in the world for his charming good looks.

* * *

_Chapter 3 was almost finished, thanks to many late nights but my laptop wouldn't open. Utterly frustrating to type around 3k plus words AGAIN. And then I had these pesky things known as finals and everything went down hill. I'm so sorry for the wait. I CANNOT emphasis that enough. It will not happen again. I'll be having a lot more free time on hand. Thanks again to all the wonderful people who reviewed or alerted!  
_

_This chapter may be a bit clunky because it's the middle of the night, but I'll come back and edit this later. Feel free to kick my ass in your reviews. _

_Also, advance birthday wishes to my favorite megalomaniac! Much love, Light! You made the anime industry a peaceful new place. Or maybe not. I still love you though.  
_

_ Originally I intended to publish this for L's birthday, but.. OKAY, next up, Misa Amane!_


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